Spoons; a mortal kombat-like family game

It started on NYE. There always seems to be something in the air during the holidays that brings families together and makes them feel they should play games. My family is not the type to do this year round but if your family is that's just great. I hope you've had some lasting memories sitting around the game of Life watching your siblings plastic vehicles fill up with tiny pink & blue baby pins while yours sits empty. It's disturbing how realistic this is all sounding isn't it? Well, I just wanted to say good for you and your adorable little family. A family who plays board games together is a family who sticks together, or something like that. In my family it goes more like a family who tells crass jokes, talks about their bowel movements, and calls each other names is the family is who actually sticks together. 

This year on NYE we decided to play games. We get the itch to do it during the holidays. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. I was having déjà vu about sleepovers when I was in grade school (maybe even jr high) of staying up late with a bunch of my girlfriends playing games with them and my family. What I couldn't stop thinking about was the card game Spoons and I was determined to make us play it that very night. I get my way most of the time because I speak up loudly and get in everyone's face until they agree. I started googling the rules of the game because I couldn't remember the specifics but soon enough it all came back to me. Before we knew it we were gathered around the kitchen table with a pile of spoons and two decks of cards. My SIL had the cards in her purse which was perfect. I forgot to ask her why in the world she was carrying them around with her but it didn't really matter at that moment as it was suiting me and my eagerness to get this shit going.

i swear to God I didn't cause that scratch on his nose

His Majesty (my nephew - if you haven't been following my stories) was still awake so my mom decided to sit this one out to watch him until he went to bed. That left my dad, brother, SIL, Tyrone and myself. I was as giddy as a vagrant at a hot dog stand to begin The Drawing of The Blood. This was something I definitely remember very fondly that happens during this game. The gist of the game is, you want to grab a spoon before they are all gone and if you don't you're out and in this case that means whimpering in the corner licking your wounds. It didn't take my SIL and Tyrone to become accustomed to my families’ aggression. I think they could smell the competition sweating from our brows. You grab a spoon no matter what. That means, unintentional scratching, bruising, kicking, biting and or launching one’s body over the table in order to rip the spoon out of an opponent’s hand (this is not an exaggeration). In order to minimize blood spill you should try to disrobe any jewelry or accessories that could cause damage. If you have  tender hands like Tyrone does then you'll need a box of Band-Aids near as well. And maybe a box of tissues. (hehehe). He's such a sore loser too. This is a game that I am able to beat him at and unfortunately there aren’t many others of which I can gloat. I'm not competitive in any way but this game brings it out of me. Tyrone is super competitive and he'll even rub it in his nephew and nieces faces when he beats them at things. He does not let up for no one so when I see him struggle with Spoons I can't help but rejoice aloud like a proper wife should.


We played late into the night/early in the morning and my mom even joined in after my dad wussed out and finally went to bed. My mom surprised us a bit with her psychotic manner. I don't know why this surprised us at all because we learned these traits from her but there was just something in her eyes when we were playing that made you take a step back. She does not focus quick enough when the cards are being handed to her and she begins to trail off and start asking random questions yet somehow she is able to get a mothertrucking spoon. My brother ended up winning this night. 

We played again this last weekend because, a game where it's perfectly acceptable to be loud and pull your opponent’s hair out is right up our alley. We don't need Christmas to remind us to play this game. I think it's going to become a family staple. My brother ended up winning again this night which could not piss me off more. You don't understand how my brother is if you've never met him which I don't say to be obvious but that he is so big and his hands are so large and strong there is no yanking a spoon out of his paw. He has sausage fingers which we've all (me, bro, mom) inherited from our grandma except that his are six times the size of anyone else's. They're not so much long as they are thick and wide (no disgusting innuendos here this is my brother we're talking about sickos) and they don't budge for anything. Also because he is pretty much numb to pain you could bite his hand to try and get him to let it go and it wouldn't do anything. He's sort of like the big dopey guy on Goonies, but smarter of course (I'm obligated to include this disclaimer) that isn’t fazed by much. We tried our hardest to beat him, and his wife almost did, but in the end we failed. One day we'll kick his ass. I even made him switch me chairs because I was convinced he was winning because he was sitting in the "right" spot which was the middle of the table perfectly proportionate to each spoon. Soon after that my time had expired. So annoying.


I bowed out with minor injuries. I may have shed blood but I didn’t need no stinking bandage.

I should have more to write about but suddenly my brain is drawing a blank. My mom even took notes for me during the first game after she had lost, of every comment that came out of our mouths, but I unfortunately lost the paper. She was all proud to dot it too especially after I told that “This shiz is soooo going up on the blog.” Now she’s going to be mad that I lost her well-kept notes (sorry Daisy!!). If I end up finding them, which could very well happened because it happens to me all of the time where I end up starting something without a certain piece of information or tool that I thought I needed and then later finding out that it was in my purse the entire time. (another family trait) In that case I will surely update this post to include them. 


I was thinking that if we keep this up which I very much hope we do that I might make some trophies. They could be really vulgar or even graphic like a mounted moose head with a spoon sticking out of its eye ball or just throw some blood on some little kid’s little league trophy that his mom, the OCD freak, made him throw out in a cleaning fit. I have lots of ideas for this.