I'm back bitches, fans, lovers, admirers, sadists and haters. It's been awhile and I'll tell you what, that mother of mine, I use the term mother loosely here, has had a complete mental breakdown which is the only reason I'm here. I think the pedistol she created for herself was built too high and has resulted in an extreme lack of oxygen. I'm crossing my fingers this continues to pan out in my favor. I need my screen time!!
She thinks she's all sorts of hot shit (more like a hot mess) keeping me away from the internet. Like I would do anything to embarrass her.
Let's catch up shall we?
Christmas was great. I got to chew up a pile of cheap ass toys like I was motherfucking king of the jungle. There isn't a chew toy that I can't get through in less than 3 minutes flat.
New Years was a bust. I didn't get to drink at all nor did I get my freak on. Mr. & Mrs. Asshole stayed in all night and ignored me. Little do they know I rubbed my butt hole across their pillows the next morning.
The first two weeks of the new year have been golden. Other than the random outbursts of sobbing and Little Debbie binges laced with deep depression (from her not me) that occur in the evenings my days are my "me" time. I get to sleep all day, lick myself till my golden eggs are sparkling and mock the neighborhood birds through the living room window. It doesn't get any better than that unless I were running free on an open farm taking in the fresh air more than three brief times a day when I'm let out to go potty. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I want them to give me away to a farmer or anything.
Or am I?
Happy Friday the 13th!!