July 19, 2012

Let's all go camping and feed ourselves to bears!

Wet camping should be outlawed. But before I dive into my negative, self-loathing, people hating attitude (HATE, HATE, HATE) let's say that I brought the wet on myself. It's my fault I jinxed our trip. But I'm going to complain about it anyways because I am a very negative person.
I didn't want to go camping in the hot sun. I was dreading it and was certain that it was going to be hot the entire time. So, I did a little rain dance in my undies one night the week before and prayed to the gray clouds of rain that it would sprinkle just part of the time we were camping so that we wouldn't be hot the entire time.

I was probably more worried about the heat at this point than I was worried about the fact that we were willingly feeding ourselves to bears going to this particular campground. Major bear territory. FUN!

I'm here to tell you that half-naked rain dances work because it rained the entire time. There were very few times it wasn't raining and if it wasn't downright pouring it was sprinkling. I did get a lot of use out my newly thrifted umbrella (there's one positive thing for you.)
A text conversation I had a week before the trip with my mom:

Me: You know it's supposed to rain the entire weekend we'll be camping (first attempt to get out of this trip)
Her: Our tent is waterproof
Me: Perfect ;)
Her: We will be ruffin it
Me: (thinking: that's what I'm afraid of)

If I remember correctly the other reason why we went camping is because of fatherly guilt. It will get you every time. It was my dad's birthday weekend and months ago he guilt-ed us into making sure we set aside time to plan to go with him. My dad loves camping. It is his element. He loves cooking while camping even more. That is another positive aspect that I don't have to do much cooking at all. Trying to help only causes grief for you and the cook so it's best to stay out of elbows way. He does cook the best camping meals hand down. Can you say pineapple upside down cake? (insert Homer moan here)

Tempers are either extremely chill while camping or they're on edge. It's completely bipolar and happens to almost each individual at one time or another. As a kid, the biggest thing about camping that I remember is the fighting. There might be some suppressed reason as to why I hate it so bad but we'll leave that buried deep inside for now.

Another lovely aspect to this trip was that I had to go with out Tyrone which seemed okay at first but then quickly realized I wanted him there pretty badly. I guess I missed him. This must mean I do actually like him. How about that? He had to work. His new job makes him work dumb hours and that means every Friday night and almost all day on Saturdays.

The very highlight and utter PURE JOY was being on my period. This might be too much information and you're more than welcome to bow out at this point because I sure as hell am going to talk about it.

A text conversation I had Thursday evening with my mom:

Me: Do they have real toilets where we're going camping?
Her: Yes
Me: OK cuz I started today so I was worried about that (hoping she was going to say No and I could get out of camping all together)
Her: There's a pretty nice outhouse for a camping outhouse
Me: An outhouse? boo
Her: It's a brick n cement building not an outhouse
Me: (torn feelings about this) OK?
Her: Like with a guys side and girls side
Me: OK
After we set up Friday afternoon we went to the toilets to relieve ourselves only to find out that the ENTIRE campground was out of water and all of the bathrooms would be closed indefinitely. FUCK ME! TAKE ME THE FUCK HOME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! This is about the time I began kicking myself for not driving my own car when I just knew before we left that I should. Now the bears would be sure to eat us in our sleep now that there is an openly bleeding woman in the campsite. I don't know what movie or joke it's from but Tyrone always quotes this "The bears! They can smell the menstruation!!" (I think it's Anchorman - I'm so bad at remembering this stuff.) I asked my dad if that was true or not because I genuinely felt that this was a valid reason to go home but he so kindly and comfortingly assured me that it was not true and that if anything we were all in danger because they're more attracted to our shit than blood. Great. Now I was comforted in a very confusing way. At least I wouldn't be the sole reason why we would all get eaten by The Bears. And with our newly makeshift toilet the boys set up for us in the bushes we were all sure to die brutally tonight. 

Camping on your period equals Sucksville to the highest degree. And if you still think I'm a terribly negative person at this point you can go straight to hell and please, PLEASE DELETE ME FROM YOUR BLOG READER. Do us both a favor. You've probably never been campoing with out a working toilet and have no idea what it's like to squat over a patch of poison ivy only to end up pissing on your shoe and falling over face-first into the dirt trying to wipe yourself. Add to that being on one of the heaviest periods of your life because you were THREE FUCKING WEEKS LATE. 

Did I mention how hormonal I was on this trip too?

[bats eyelashes innocently]

The campground workers promised port-o-pots (which is funny because they are exactly like outhouses I guess my mom subconsciously knew there would be outhouses there) but they didn't arrive until SATURDAY EVENING. We had working toilets for one evening and one morning. That is way too long with out a REAL toilet.
the make-shift shitter
The worst of the rain came during the first night. It poured so hard all night long and the best part was how their "waterproof" tent leaked on all of us all night. It was that annoying kind of slow leak too that drips on your sleeping bag near your face making sure you don't get any sleep at all. And I didn't get any sleep. I even took drugs to fall asleep, had my headphones in and still didn't sleep even a little wink. The next night was better after we covered the tent with a tarp and finally got some sleep. Let's rewind to the first texting conversation I had with my mom where she told me it would be OK because we were going to be "ruffin it" and that the tent was waterproof. Miss Ruffin It didn't feel too great that next morning when she didn't sleep at all either from being dripped on all night. 
morning coffee by the fire
The way I see it is that there were to signs telling me not to go on this trip that I chose to ignore but not blindly. I should have listened to my inner self but if I would have done that I would have missed out on pineapple upside down cake, campfire and seeing a gecko slither across our path one night we all set out together in the dark to go potty. My brother and I stopped in our tracks and flashed our lights on the cute little guy trying to get away from us as fast has he could. My brother picked it up so we could all touch it and get a good look at it and then we let it go. I loved spending time with my family during the times when we weren't tense. I like that my brother and I still act like we always have even though we're well into adulthood and he is a parent. I like that I can swear in front of my family and just be myself with out judgement. I'm happy that despite the rain my dad had a good birthday camp out and that we didn't get eaten by bears. Thank God!
the only place with cell reception
Daisy, Cella & Hagen
Hagen & Wyatt

 rare moment having these two lay by each other, they don't always get a long

Duke laying by the tent because his whole family was napping in there. He's a sweetheart. 

I think Fred feels the way I do about camping. 

Someone was having a duct tape obsession. He wanted it on his face. 

 Mr. Priss and his comfy bed


kendahl said...

Wyatt is so freaking cute! I wish my family got along the way yours does. Sorry you had to go camping in the rain, and without Tyrone. That's lame.

jessemac said...

I laughed out loud at parts of this. Not because I enjoy hearing about the misery of others...but because you are a freaking hilarious writer. I'm sorry you had a really rough time, but I love that you could write about it like this. I've only been camping once for one night and it rained...so I can only imagine how amazing this trip was with everything coinciding to work against you.

And, I hate dumb work hours so, so much. It sucks that Tyrone couldn't be there, and especially that he works so much on weekends. Douglas's schedule now is the worst.

J said...

First of all, I'm so glad y'all didn't get eaten by bears. Second of all, y'all are crazy as hell for camping out in bear country!!

Also? Fred looks like he's having the *greatest* time! <- sarcasm font.

Hope y'all are having a great weekend, I gave you some blog awards on my blog today.

brandy-son Zen master flash said...

Kendahl- you should come hang out sometime. You would fit in with our family. Our close family is such a pain in the ass aren't they?

brandy-son Zen master flash said...

Jessemac, thanks so much for your kind words it means so much to me. I hate Ty's work schedule so much but I am happy he has a job so I guess I'll deal with it.

brandy-son Zen master flash said...

J- you're so right Fred is not a big camper. He's fragile.

Anika said...

Ha! Freddie does look like he kind of wants his home.

I hate camping...I like sleeping dry and like a toilet too. Beach camping doesn't bother me but maybe that's because there are less bugs and poison ivy. Bravo for singing the truth!


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