SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!

*Originally written sometime during the end of July*

I had almost forgotten to write about this story until I came in to work this morning to find that a red baby spider had made it's home on my desk which only confirms that all evil things are drawn to this office. We're sitting on top of the Hellmouth for sure.

I had nearly relieved myself from the heebie-jeebies that have haunted me from the spider haven that is our apartment until this minute wickedness popped up and now I can't stop itching my scalp and jumping at every little thing now.

Lately we've been seeing a lot of spiders and earwigs in our apartment it started sometime around late Spring when I would go to pick up clothes off of the floor and an earwig would fall out or when I'm vacuuming and I come in contact with a spider and it's web in the corner of the living room.

The final straw was the night before last when I woke up to Tyrone wigging out in the middle of the night. He woke up yelling at me to turn on the light and hitting himself like a slow kid who's had his baseball stolen. Of course I woke up with attitude because I'm not about anyone waking me up let alone barking orders at me at the same time but clearly he was having issues which didn't take me long to figure out so I turned the cursed light on. He said he felt something fall on his face while he was sleeping. Imma let you pause right there for a minute and think about that. Something fell on his face in his sleep. Fell. On. His. Face. Something. Crawling. Little. Creepy. On. His. Face. In. His. Sleep.

He said he instinctively swatted it off of his face (HIS FACE!!!) and it landed somewhere in our bed where he swears it bit him. IT BIT HIM. IN OUR BED. I'm having a cow just typing this out. I've scratched my scalp and arms 27 times just since starting this.

I immediately jumped out of the bed and started doing what can only be described as a holy roller dance but with much more jerking and screaming if you can imagine that. Unfortunately there were no snakes involved. While I freaked out Tyrone was trying to find the spider in our sheets because he had part of it's body on his hand from swatting it away after it had bit him. He was searching through the sheets and blankets like a mad man except he was really a very mad man who had just been bitten in his sleep by a spider that JUMPED ON HIS FACE WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING.

I jumped to the bathroom in a panic because in the midst of all of the terror I realized I had to pee and when I turned on the light to the bathroom I screamed so loud I gave Tyrone a cardiac embolism.

Keep in mind it's around 1:00 AM.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing and I nearly blacked out form fear. My body quickly forgot how bad I needed to pee and ran back into the bedroom practically convulsing. There was the BIGGEST SPIDER about 4 - 5 inches in diameter (I am not exaggerating) just hanging out on the wall above the toilet. I. Can't. Even. HUGE!!!! Tyrone could not have killed that thing faster. I don't remember how he killed it because I was too busy losing my shit. I can't even imagine having to kill it myself there was no GAWDAYYMMM way I could have even brought myself to do it. All I can think of is hearing it's body pop and crunch as I pushed down on it with a shoe or something. I would have rather just shot the damn thing with an oozie than risk getting close enough for it to jump on my face and start eating my nose right off. Because that IS EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

After my turrets began to subside I needed to change my tee shirt and when I opened my pajama drawer there was a little spider in there asserting it's territory on my Paul Frank boxers. MUTHAFOGGER! My nerves were shot at this point and I just wanted to drop to the floor but didn't out of fear there would be more spiders on the floor. After some thought about how I was going to sleep standing up the rest of the night in the hallway because that was the only safe way I think we were ready to crawl back in bed. I mean, you can't ever be ready to get back in bed after an episode like this but I knew we had to do it. I pretty much laid there with my eyes wide open the rest of the night.

Pure hell.

Since then it hasn't been too bad because Tyrone borrowed some spider spray from a friend and sprayed down our bedroom with it. I've seen less large spiders and much less earwigs. It's been really nice but last night I was sitting on the floor flipping through the September catalogs when a huge spider crawled right next to me. I'm proud to say my instincts slapped the shit out of that thing with all of the gusto I could muster. I didn't even let Fred get it and we usually let him kill things like this when they're on the floor. He's a good little hunting dog.