November 22, 2011

Experiencing H&M with Onslo

Two Sundays ago my parents drove up to our place to check out the new H&M that SLC just got. It's a pretty big deal for our state. We also got a Crate & Barrel but I couldn't give a rats ass about that one. My wallet especially has a bad taste in it's mouth for C&B. Tyrone and I tried to check out H&M the evening it opened but if you follow me on the Twitter you know that didn't go over well. It was way too busy. There were lines out every door and burly security guards in fancy suites guarding each one like they were the secret service. Sunday was busy as well but we decided to rough the long line anyways but it turned out to not take long at all.

I kept getting the biggest kick out of seeing my dad (hater of crowds) standing in line with us and a grip of "fashionably hip" young people. My mom, Tyrone and I would look at him and then giggle nervously like we were waiting for him to take the entire line out with a shot gun. Because that's what cowboys use, shotguns. Or more realistically, a Leatherman pocket knife, I won't lie to you he can get pretty stabby at times. He can whip that thing out faster than an old timey sheriff in a stand off.

We walked in and it was crazy crowded. They weren't doing that good of a job of crowd control. I couldn't relax and enjoy the deals because of it. When you're more worried about strangers invading your personal bubble you start to rethink your decision. But I pushed through and we ended up finding a couple of shirts and then headed out as quickly as we could.  Most of the time you could see Onslo towering above the crowd in the least populated section brushing his mustache with his index finger and thumb mumbling, "Must not strangle anyone." There was even another man there that looked like he ran in similar circles as Onslo did wearing his cowpoke scarf, hat and wool vest on leaning up against the nearest rack of clothes to where his wife was shopping. Every now and then I would look up to catch Onslo's eye and he would shoot me the "I'm doing fine but not really psychotic grin." This naturally amused me and I would just chuckle and carry on. Do you know how many John Wayne movies this man has made me sit through? How many painful times he's made me sit through The Sound of Music while he gently weeps in his recliner during Edelwiess?

Once we left the club, or clothing store, it was hard to tell the difference between the two with the annoying DJ playing crappy house music and the strange gay man bumping up against you from behind from time to time. We had to take a picture as evidence of Onslo standing in front of the store. I was shuffling through my purse to find my phone but I couldn't find it in the pocket that I knew I left it in. I searched for at least a good 4 anxiety inducing minutes with assistance from my family before my mom made some After School Special comment about leaving it in the open for some stranger to steal easily while she pulled the mutherfucker out of her her pocket and handed it to me. I don't remember exactly what she said when she was lecturing me in her proud yet rare moment because I was BLIND with rage. Thanks for the life lesson Mom!!

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