February 22, 2011

Weekly Confessional

I want to be Maury Povich and have my own show where I can totally fuck with dead-beat dads. I asked Tyrone the other day if he thinks that Maury already knows the answer before the show even starts. (I'm sure lots of people wonder about this) He said he thinks so and so do I (I think). Although I'd like to pretend he's as innocent as he says he is and has no idea until he opens that manilla envelope. Can you imagine the power you would feel if you were him and you did in fact know beforehand? That would be SO rad. There is no doubt in my mind that I would take full advantage of the situation and I would do it all in a german accent.

For instance if he wasn't the father I would make remarks towards the child's features and say how much they look alike and give him all sorts of discerning and judgmental looks and ask him if he's going to take care of it if the kid is his. You know all the same shit Maury does except with much more pressure. And then just before I announce that he isn't the father I would bring the kid out and sit it on his lap. Once the kid's lingering aroma started to melt the man's heart for a bit I would break the news. You know just when the guy was starting to let himself bond with the kid. You know the men who already have a handful of bastards that he doesn't care for? (I can use the word bastard because I was one) Those are the guys I would do this to. Because they're the kind that come out and like they're made of solid gold crap and yell and scream and bad mouth a woman who was GOOD ENOUGH TO STICK HIS PENIS IN yet not good enough to have a child with. I'm not sticking up for all of the women who go on this show or get themselves into these situations. They're equally at fault. I just have a little deep-seeded resentment that I'd like to live out on the man-whores out there.

Me The Host: "Christoph, don't you think that little boy's eyes are the same shade of blue as yours? He has the same cleft chin as yours, don'tcha think?" 

Christoph: "Uh, well, I guess it is similar."

Me The Host: "Yes, Yes, I would have to agree and so does this young lady sitting next you. Are you ready for the results?"

Christoph: "Yes, ma'am."

Me The Host: "Christoph, the resulsts are in and I am very pleased to tell you that....You....Are....NOT THE FATHER!!!"

{shoot to Christoph passed out in his lederhosen on the floor next to a weeping young lady}

I wouldn't leave the women the out who can't decide if their baby's daddy was out of eight different men either. They would be just as fun to fuck with.

The job security that he has is incredible. You know people are NEVER going to stop getting themselves into these situations because SEX is just way too good. (with the right person - thought I should clarify that) We've all made our mistakes or had our own whore moments but that doesn't mean we stop ouselves from enjoying other's pain and stupidity which is another reason why his show is JUST WAY TOO GOOD. He'll be doing that show in his nineties and then after that I hope to take over. Or maybe I'll just my own show.

I could easily start one in my neighborhood. Just saying.

Can you tell I've had a lot of time on my hands? Apparently I think of all sorts of delusional ideas when I don't work.

If this one didn't tickle your fancy and missed the one where I confess I want to be a street ad dude, check it out here.

1 comment:

Kristen said...

I absolutely love his show and will definitely DVR it when you take over!