a rambling of sorts

Of all the things I've posted about on here the biggest thing that I've had the most comments, emails and questions about is the miscarriages I've had. People have come up to me and to my family members and have asked me about it often. And even when I haven't written anything about it for awhile I'll get an email or message on Facebook out of the blue. Writing about them on here has opened up a different world for me; one where I learn some of people's darkest secrets (although they shouldn't feel that way). I haven't written about it in depth in quite some time. It's been 14 months since my last miscarriage. 14 months ago when our family welcomed Hagen, my nephew, into our lives yet were morning the loss of another. For the most part I've just kind of buried it all. We haven't been actively trying to get pregnant. We don't use any type of birth control either. Never have. I won't get into that one any further.

After the last miscarriage I thought if I started treating my body better it would give me what I wanted but there was something in me that just wouldn't let myself do it. The way I thought I had to be was exercising every day, eating right every day and having sex every day. As fun as that may be to some it's not my idea of fun (although the sex part is pretty fun). I started researching material on ovulation and what not but never really put it into full gear. A part of me didn't want to, another part thought how ridiculous it would be financially to do it when we didn't even know if we could pay our rent at the end of the month. The financial part has been a big struggle for us as well as many other families out there. I thought it was a bit selfish of me so I had to let it go. I just thought if I dived into the things I actually love doing like, spending time with my husband, playing with the dog, cutting shit out of magazines, blogging, cooking, taking pictures and torturing the neighbor kids that it will happen if it's meant to be.

I recently went to the doctor and he is testing me for various things but one of them is my hormone levels; something that neither of the two gynecologists before ever mentioned. The first doctor pretty much shoved us out of the door and wouldn't even look directly at me and the second doctor, whom I still really like, just told me to wait till I had a third miscarriage before they did any testing. And this testing would have been in regards to fertility, not hormones. This current doctor thinks I may have a low progesterone level which can cause miscarriages. The first twelve weeks is when a baby really needs that and if yours is low then you could have a miscarriage. This makes sense right? It sounds good to me. My mom had been nudging me for a long time before I finally decided to give this guy a try. I have an appointment to discuss my test results on Monday.

I will keep you posted. I said I wouldn't keep this in the dark and I don't plan to.

But what if this doesn't work and you have another miscarriage?

Then we'll go from there and I'll just keep writing about it on here.

I'm too old to have kids anyways right? Can they just go ahead and tie my tubes right now just to be safe?

I'll look into it.