January 20, 2011

Sensitive stomachs need not apply

I thought I'd tell this story since I didn't schedule a regular post for today. Why? Because I just didn't feel like it last night. I was making a valentine project and making dinner all while drooling over Steven Tyler on American Idol. Tweeny boppers aside, I'm sure I'm the only one excited to watch it this season and for HIM alone. I was worried he'd be a major diva but he actually turned out to be pretty funny to watch. I LOVE HIS MOUTH. I probably should have saved this for a Weekly Confessional post but I didn't want to wait. Consider this a bonus edition.

 

I made the best coleslaw last night. I wanted to make something that I could use my new food processor with (thanks mom and dad). I don't know why coleslaw was my choice. We were at the farmers market and I just had to buy cabbage and that was the first thing that came to mind. I haven't been able to get coleslaw out of my mind for weeks now. The things my mind will get stuck on even baffle me.

 

I tried a basic recipe (cabbage and mayo base) but decided I wanted to try toasted sesame seeds in it. I was worried about how it would turn out but it turned out spectacular. Now the kicker with this is that I decided to cook hard boiled eggs with it for which prompted a large sigh from Tyrone. But since he knew he wasn't going to cook himself something he didn't put up too much of a fight. We needed protein to go along with the slaw and didn't have your basic beef or chicken. Usually I would end up cooking a bag of frozen edamame but we were out of that too. Eggs were the obvious choice as strange as it sounded. It sounds so weird but I dare you to try it. It's SOOO good.

 

Colslaw with Toasted Sesame Seeds

3 cups of shredded green cabbage

1 cup of shredded red cabbage

1 cup of shredded carrots

1 cup of mayo

1 T of apple cider vinegar

2 T of sugar

¼ tsp of salt

¼ tsp of pepper

2-3 T of toasted sesame seeds

 

After you've shredded all of the veggies, in a separate bowl, mix together your sauce ingredients then mix both of those together. Mix sesame seeds in at the end. An idiot could this.

 

 
Back to the story edition of this post and back to my main point. Monday was MLKJr Day and I didn't have to work so I pretty much just stayed home all day except when I went out to get coffee (big ups to City Brew - holla). When I came back from getting coffee I tried taking my daily regime of pills with my coffee. I was sitting on the couch in front of the computer when I popped 15 pills in my mouth at once. Usually this isn't that big of a problem because I've gotten use to doing it but one thing I didn't do was dump enough coffee into my trap in order to ease the mass of pills down my windpipe. I got about half of them down when I tried to take another sip of coffee to choke the rest down when my gag reflex back fired on me. I gagged once and it was violent enough I had to throw my hand over my mouth and get up off of the couch in order to avoid spitting it up all over the computer and carpet. Spitting them back up was all I expected to do except that when I was on my way to the kitchen all while still trying to stay calm and get the pills to slide back down my throat. My thought was to get some water but as soon as I reached the linoleum another back fire from the gag reflex of hell hit me like a BJ gone terribly wrong. Projectile vomit sprang out of my mouth along with all 15 pills and the eggs I ate earlier for breakfast. It hit the entire front of my stove, all over the floor and since I was trying to make my way to the sink it ended up all over the cupboards and down the front of me. My hand couldn't keep this shit from flying out of my mouth even if it had been nailed to it. I just stood for a second and not really because I was in shock but two thoughts ran through my mind: 1. How much did I actually get on me and is it enough that I won't have to change my clothes? 2. If I let that sit on the floor for a few hours how bad will my house stink or maybe I could just get Frederick to take care of it for me. Truly this shows how disgusting and lazy I am deep into my core. My better judgment got the best of me and I started cleaning it up but dear Lord are eggs a friggin bitch to clean up. Not just eggs but vomit eggs. Ew, vomit eggs are like rubber cement you have to roll around with your fingers before it will actually come up and when it does it sticks to your fingers until you can manage to flick it off. Am I wrong about this? (I actually just threw up in my mouth a little when I read this back. That may be because I am eating cottage cheese and the consistency is pretty similar to scrambled eggs.) I immediately sent Tyrone a text message telling him what happened but he throws up on the daily (hiatal hernia & ulcer) so he was immune to it. I think I got a "oh that sucks" but I could sense the tone in the response. He wasn't impressed.

 

Now I'm sure you're going to want to cook eggs tonight after you just read my vomit story. I wouldn't judge you if you did.

 

{I need an Urban Dictionary Spell Check for when I bust out my street slang. Regular Spell Check doesn't recognize holla. Does that exist? Someone needs to invent that shit yo!}

2 comments:

Janet Bocciardi said...

I'm an AI fan too. I get all teary with the stories and really buy in to the passion these kids show for their craft.

I taped AI and watched it this morning. I thought Tyler was sweet, funny and way more supportive than I thought he would be. I love weird folks that are kind - and that's him - very interesting. Maybe a little creepy the way he was oggling the 16 yr olds though. He's decisive too - JLo needs to get some of that... Randy seemed kind of the one that was no longer needed to me.

Anyway, - you're not alone! ; )

Dillon and Cherice Snyder said...

ummm so glad i read that - i got a mental picture of you vomiting all over your kitchen - thanks. did you get any in your hair? that's the worst because then you have to go and rewash your hair and re blow dry it and re straighten it which is a bitch. that's why you swallow one at a time - even though it takes forever but then you won't have this experience again.
i vomited in the mother in law's backyard last saturday. it was a lot and it was red (not blood - mike's hard pomegranate lemonade)i hope you got a mental picture.