First – how annoying was I this week talking about how busy I was? I wanted to punch myself in the face, don't worry.
[excuse any formatting, i sent this from an email]
Now that that's out of the way…
I enjoy my tumultuous relationship with haunted houses. I love how the anxiety builds inside of me when I'm standing in line waiting to have some stranger grope me in the dark, although instead of a cheap thrill I usually come out with soiled undergarments. My guess is most of the haunted house employees aren't a tall, dark, good-looking and mysterious stranger rather an underage boy who's you-know-what's haven't dropped yet. When I'm not having one of my sick daydreams of serial killer strangers groping me I am usually repeating to myself, "Don't be a chicken shit!" over and over in my head and standing there with my neck stretched out trying to look tough. That lasts only until one of the lurkers they pay to give you a panic attack while standing in line comes around and you can find me buried in Tyrone's arm pit. My head as been buried in MANY arm pits over the years. Let's just say by the time I've exited a haunted house not a shred of dignity is still in tact.
I've mentioned before that when I get scared I plug my ears and partially cover my eyes. This works only about a quarter of the time in haunted houses. It's a much more effective tactic while watching a horror movie.
[At this point you may be asking yourself, "What is the point if you're going to block out two necessary senses?" You really don't want me to dive into it. I told you it was TUMULTUOUS, obscured even.]
We have yet to make plans this year to go to one. I've heard that the Haunted Village at This Is The Place is pretty freaky. There are a lot of ghost stories told about that place from years back. My favorite haunted house in the state is the Haunted Forest in American Fork. They update it about every year and it's pretty long too. You actually feel like you're getting your monies worth, having most of it outside and UNDERGROUND help out a ton.
About two years ago a group of us went to the Haunted Forest and they had just updated the shit out of it. I had no idea what was coming at me. The worst part was the room with the scary clown guy that sits on a tricycle from the Saw movies. (that made no sense even as I was typing it) As we entered the room he was sitting in about the middle of it and he looked unreal like he was just a doll. I was already on the verge of plowing through the room when the fucker came at us riding that squeaky tricycle. To this day, because I was so freaked out, all I can really remember was how big his head was and that it was about shoulder height to me and that whoever played him had to have been a child because his body was so small. It was definitely one of those moments when Tyrone left that place with a few scratches and many bruises all caused by me. I have to watch myself and my natural reaction to kick someone in the crotch when someone (strangers mostly) try to touch or scare me.
When I was really young, there was this old mansion next to the elementary school (well, it's still there but it probably isn't considered a mansion anymore) and every now and then we would try and take a peak at it through its ivy covered gates. I don't remember what grade we were in when we snuck passed the gates. We got almost up to the front door when a man in a red velvet robe, smoking a cigar, and holding a glass in his hand (I shit you not) came out on the balcony and told us to get lost. We ran like hell out of that place. Writing about it now, it doesn't sound all that bad but back then it was one of those memorable scary moments. There are a lot of scary and interesting stories about this place that have happened over the years. Of course the best ones were about how haunted it was, because even 18-20 years ago the place was considered really, really OLD. So you can imagine how we jumped at the chance to work in the haunted house that they were going to do in it one year. I played the haunted bride and got to stand on this old cement pedestal thing and act spooky. Flailing my arms around and moaning like a sick cat was pretty fun to do as a kid. Besides babysitting I can safely say that was my first job…volunteer job. The inside of the house was amazing. I remember thinking it looked pretty similar to the haunted house at Disneyland. I remember seeing the eyes of the family portraits follow me as I walked by them. (That's how I remember it okay?) The hallway that leads up the staircase was so narrow, even as a kid I thought it was super small. I remember thinking how my mom would hate it. Such a weird thought to remember having so long ago. I can't remember for the life of me what it looked like upstairs, my memory just completely blocks out at the top of the stairs. Strange. Right now the place sits there all broken down looking. I think it's a meth house or something like that now. It's pretty sad because it could be fixed up to look really neat.