I hesitated before pushing the publish post button on this bad boy. Not because it's bad, but because it's so bad-ass that I may lose all of you to her. Erin, from Oh Honestly Erin is an excellent writer and lensman. She also has the most kick ass kid too. We almost became enemies do to a minor miscommunication from a mental break down on my end. Go check out her stuff NOW!
Thanks Erin for contributing - I am honored to have you!
An Oh Honestly Erin Original Holiday Recipe
It occurred to me that this is the month of December and I think some people like to do holiday things. Like screaming carols to the homeless, watching Santa porn, "trimming the tree." (We give ours a good hearty Brazilian.) And I know there are people out there who like to scour the Internet for wonderful cookies to bake with their kids, partners, attic-bound hostages.
If you happen to be one of those people, then boy - get a life. I mean, have I got the perfect recipe for you.
Let me break this down for you in Pretentious Food Blog-style, because I want to make sure everyone comprehends every single step. Otherwise, God only knows what you'll have your hands.
FIRST, get out some slices of bread and tear it a new asshole. I used some sort of Roman wheat bread bullshit.
Pretend like you’re making boobs out of Play-Doh and roll your bread pieces up real good. You can leave the crust on; I did. For some.
Next, think of things that taste real good and sweet to you. (Preferably things that are not a part of someone’s anatomy, because I’m not so sure that would bake well and I don’t know any cannibals IRL to call up for advice. Unless Jeffrey Dahmer had a cookbook?)
Once you got some sugar plums dancing in your head, rummage through the cabinets and see if you have that shit. In my case, I pulled out the SUGAR, CINNAMON and HONEY. Do not over think it with measuring apparati! JUST DUMP THAT CRAP IN A DIABETIC HEAP.
Roll your yeasty ballsacks into it. And now, roll the bread, too. Knead the fuck out of it like it’s the new sexual black dress of 2010. If you have to, think of the last porno you watched. Just get it done. After you scrape the excess with your fingers and do some deep-throating, the bowl might look like this:
(Oh shit, and at some point you should do that pre-heating thing. I wasn’t sure what to set the oven to, so I just cranked it all the way up. Like fast food, bakery edition. I’m unsure what # to make that step, but I have faith that you will persevere. Or have your purse severed.)
6. Splat the accessorized balls onto a COOKIE SHEET. I didn’t do anything to the COOKIE SHEET because I wasn’t sure if I should use butter, oil, or parchment paper, so we went bareback for this one.
It might look like this when you’re done with that:
7. Open the oven after two minutes to see how glorious and glistening your bonne bouche looks. (Oh, I called it that. Out loud. Coupled with kissing noises.)
8. Panic because the cookie sheet is missing from the oven; figure it must have been the basement-dwelling vagrant who thieved it when you were wrenching the knife from your child; realize you never put the cookie sheet in to begin with.
9. Put the cookie sheet in the oven.
10. Take it back out three minutes later because you have no patience.
11. If your teeth involuntarily twinge and ache just from the proximity, and it looks like the vagina of Jabba the Hut’s wife, they are baked.
12. Try to dislodge the confections from the cookie sheet; note that McGyver might want to add baked and unfurled honey into his superglue repertoire.
13. Do not let anyone try and tell you these are just balls of warm bread. They are COOKIES. And if you really want to show off some holiday swerve, jam a fucking candy cane into them and call them Santa's Nard-Kebabs.
Good luck. Maybe Brandy will let me come back and do a DIY post! I can teach you how to make a topper for your Christmas tree that involves:
the patience to cut a man-hand sized star from a throw-away cooking pan,
taping it to a McDonald's straw,
plunging it down onto the top of the tree.
Shit. I guess we didn't need an entire post for that after all.